I'm stuck on "Orientation Island" and I can't get off!

"My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal." - from movie Ed TV.

A few days ago I learned how to get into a car in second life. Driving is another can of worms! I kept walking all over the car and finally this guy drives over and asks me if I want a ride. I confessed I didn't know how to get into the car. He was pretty patient explaining things to me. But then he tells me you have to collect stars to get off the island. Shannon said he was lying. So, now I'm a gullible avatar.

Prior to the whole car experience, I walked up to someone and they kept looking at me. Well, their avatar was staring at my avatar. So I say something like, "I know I don't like this outfit either." She says she does like mine but not hers. I said I thought that was funny. She asked why and then never said another word to me. Maybe something distracted her in her real life? So I walked away. It was strange to feel strong emotions about this "game."

And walking away I thought, this is like really involved chatting. I mean I remember posting on message boards and getting so involved in those exchanges. Once, on a Buddhist message board in the early 90s, the discussion got really heated about cutting the lawn. Was the grass a sentient being? Was cutting the lawn damaging to it? How was karma involved in all of this? Was the guy who initiated the talk just unwilling to admit he didn't want to mow the lawn?

No wonder I got emotional when other people wouldn't talk to me in second life or just walked away! In fact, I saw another avatar that looked like mine. I ran up to her. She took one look and ran away. I couldn't blame her. She scares me too. But it surprised me to feel sad about this virtual rejection. So what is happening with the our real world social structures that we are coming up with more and more complicated but realistic ways to communicate with others? And why do we spend more time communicating with strangers online than in person? And what does it mean to be a lesbian stuck on “Orientation” Island? Is that the Internet God's cruel joke?

I hate my avatar!

As part of my independent study research this summer, I have been assigned to work on a collaborative project developing a space in second life with another graduate student. She has been using second life since the beginning and is pretty much an expert while I am the definition of a "newb". (The word newb, is defined as a person with little or no experience in a any given game.)

So, after getting a name and logging on I had the new task of creating my avatar. Since the avatar is an Internet user's representation of him/herself, I was more than disappointed with mine. I did not choose when you could when I first signed on thinking this would give me more freedom to think about it and choose later. I was wrong.

Being born in second life was fast and strange. I sort of fell in when I signed on as this light brown headed white bodied naked lady. Almost as soon as I hit the ground, I turned into this Capri wearing pony-tailed freak. She is not even close to a representation of me. I am a shorthaired non-Capri wearing lesbian. This avatar was so girly and just gross!

One afternoon a professor asked me how the project was coming along. I exclaimed to him, "I hate my avatar! She looks Puerto Rican and has pony tails and Capri pants." Another grad in the room shot back, "How racist!" My reply, "I don't hate her because she looks Puerto Rican. I hate her because she has pony tails and wears Capri pants!"

Now what? I figured out how to shorten her pants to long shorts and turn them blue. Her shirt is now black. I took off her vest and made the shoes black. I haven’t figured out how to get rid of the necklace yet. Not optimal but at least now I don’t feel nauseated as soon as I log on.

I wonder if this sort of thing happens when you have children? And what does it mean to feel like so much of my identity as an out lesbian is tied to my appearance? Or why am I so uncomfortable appearing that feminine to other users? What would it mean if other people got to know her and I decided to delete her?

What's in a name?

From the pages of Paul Auster's graphic novel City of Glass, to the Holy Bible, to roll call and many other places comes the notion that names are important. They are the gold nuggets of language. Without them what would we have? "And if we can't name a common object, how can we speak of things that truly concern us?" - Paul's book. And so I was charged with the important task of first choosing a name for my avatar in second life.

I tried names I had had in my real life like Sky and even variations like Skye but to no avail. With so many people already named, I soon found that this was not going to be as easy a task as I had initially imagined. I then started from a list in my head of names I had always liked but again no luck. Then I thought of funny names to go with the last names choice list but someone already had those names too. I'll have to make a mental note to try and meet people like Mile High. Maybe not?

And so the television played on in the background. By now it was getting late and I was becoming desperate. Something came on about a magician show Mindfreak. Jenn sensed my frustration and suggested it. I kind of liked the sound of it. I didn't know much about the show and hoped people wouldn't assume I was his biggest fan or something. I more liked the idea that I question the limits of our minds in my research. It seemed like it might work. I paired it with Kidd. My father likes to call me 'kiddo' so it has a nice nostalgic feel to go with the conceptual bit. Would it work?

It did! So you can find me there under that name if I ever get off of "Orientation Island". But that's another post! If you find me we can even discuss the importance of names here or there. Now I'm left to try this name on for size and see how it fits. A chosen name to go with a chosen appearance for a virtual world. I wonder what it means to live in a time when we get to choose so many names for ourselves? Seeing the names acceptance on my laptop screen was a relief but hardly held the same feeling as something like the naming ceremony depicted in Roots. Oh well. Mindfreak Kidd doesn't fit with the look of my avatar yet but that is yet another post!