I hate my avatar!

As part of my independent study research this summer, I have been assigned to work on a collaborative project developing a space in second life with another graduate student. She has been using second life since the beginning and is pretty much an expert while I am the definition of a "newb". (The word newb, is defined as a person with little or no experience in a any given game.)

So, after getting a name and logging on I had the new task of creating my avatar. Since the avatar is an Internet user's representation of him/herself, I was more than disappointed with mine. I did not choose when you could when I first signed on thinking this would give me more freedom to think about it and choose later. I was wrong.

Being born in second life was fast and strange. I sort of fell in when I signed on as this light brown headed white bodied naked lady. Almost as soon as I hit the ground, I turned into this Capri wearing pony-tailed freak. She is not even close to a representation of me. I am a shorthaired non-Capri wearing lesbian. This avatar was so girly and just gross!

One afternoon a professor asked me how the project was coming along. I exclaimed to him, "I hate my avatar! She looks Puerto Rican and has pony tails and Capri pants." Another grad in the room shot back, "How racist!" My reply, "I don't hate her because she looks Puerto Rican. I hate her because she has pony tails and wears Capri pants!"

Now what? I figured out how to shorten her pants to long shorts and turn them blue. Her shirt is now black. I took off her vest and made the shoes black. I haven’t figured out how to get rid of the necklace yet. Not optimal but at least now I don’t feel nauseated as soon as I log on.

I wonder if this sort of thing happens when you have children? And what does it mean to feel like so much of my identity as an out lesbian is tied to my appearance? Or why am I so uncomfortable appearing that feminine to other users? What would it mean if other people got to know her and I decided to delete her?